Forgivness

Today was probably one of the BEST days I have had in several months.. Yesterday I wrote a blog about two old friends.. This morning I received an email from Bjorn.. I was actually quite surprised.. I sent him a link to the post I had written and his email was really kind.. He thanked me for my "kind words".. It's been way to long since I have been thanked for really anything.. But he told me about his walk with the Lord and a little about his new life.. He left me parting with something extremely encouraging.. He said I was beautiful.. I knew he meant I was a beautiful person.. It's not everyday I hear that.. Actually almost never.. Well anyways that really got me thinking.. I am a beautiful person.. Maybe not a whole lot on the outside, but on the inside, I KNOW I AM BEAUTIFUL!!

Months upon months have gone by where I had been thinking about old friends whose friendships I had seemed to lose either by fault of my own or just giving up.. I feel like I have made so many mistakes in my life and I was tired of losing literally the only people I had..

Elisha Allison.. She was my roommate last year when I first moved to Arizona.. I remember when I first met her; it was like everything that was her favorite thing to do, was my favorite thing to do everyday.. Seriously though.. She was like my long lost sister with blond hair.. Much of our background was the same.. Her likes and dislikes.. Her strive at life.. We just clicked.. A few months after living together, things started to fall apart between us.. We fought over everything.. I think we did it on purpose.. Like a defense mechanism.. I don't know.. But eventually we parted ways.. Since the last time I saw her my heart has ached with way more regret than I let on.. I mean I have felt utterly horrible.. I never said sorry for the mean things I said to her.. When I was asked what happened between us, I of course blamed it on her, knowing full well it was my fault.. Finally I started telling the truth about what happened and what I had done.. After months upon months of working up the courage to apologize to Elisha for all the nasty things I did and said, I emailed her.. Today.. I fully expected to be left with rejection.. I didn't expect an email back, and if I did, I thought it would say what a nobody I was.. Instead I was blessed.. She forgave me!! She encouraged me.. She was beyond a beautiful person.. I know without a shadow of a doubt she meant everything she said to me.. Grateful would be an understatement for the sense of love she has given me..

I also email Megan Ledyard (Weston).. It had been over a year since I had talked to her.. We use to be so close and then she just was gone.. I tried emailing her several times but with never any response.. I figured while I was apologizing to others I would take the time to write her one last time.. I apologized for not going to her wedding.. It was rather selfish.. I didn't go because I was jealous, that a family I had known since I was eight, and taken me in to there family, went to her wedding but not mine.. That same family was also the reason I didn't go.. They put me through hell.. I couldn't bear the thought being in the same place as them knowing in the back of my mind, others were probably thinking about all the horrible lies this family filled them with.. I was embarrassed.. I was beyond shocked when she emailed me back soon after, saying that I had done nothing wrong.. That she had just been crazy busy, and she should be the one apologizing.. I couldn't believe it was all just a misunderstanding.. I am grateful though.. I would have been devastated losing a friend like her..

I also email Tomarrah Green.. She use to be one of my best friends.. To the point where we stopped talking, I told her EVERYTHING.. It is really sad how things ended between us.. I remember one summer she asked me to a camp chapel with her because she was so close to where I lived.. I knew with her religion she was only allowed to wear skirts.. I double checked with her to see that I definitely needed to wear one and she said no.. I could were jeans.. It wasn't a big deal.. I asked like five times and she assured me to "be comfortable" and where pants.. When her mother arrived she yelled at me for being rude.. When I told her Tomarrah said it was okay, she lied.. She told her mom, she told me, I had to wear a skirt and I just didn't listen.. I was so mortified I left.. We didn't talk for almost a year.. Finally I contacted her and said we should just forget about it and move on.. Then again... she betrayed me.. She was suppose to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.. She assured me day after day she was coming.. Just short of a week before my wedding her Dad called.. He said that she would not be coming.. He made me feel guilty for "pressuring" her to drive six hours to the wedding, alone.. I couldn't believe she had blatantly betrayed me yet once again.. I haven't talked to her since.. It's been over two years.. She has NEVER apologized for anything she has ever done to me.. I can't even begin to explain how hurtful it is to think of her.. But I email her one last time.. Not to apologize, but to ask why.. I might hear from her.. Unfortunately I doubt it.. But it was like my last goodbye.. A relief.. Finally I said and asked her the things I had been dying to know.. I may never know them, but I asked.. That's all I needed to do.. If I am wrong, just like with Elisha, then crazy enough I think I could forgive her..

I love this blog.. I can say anything I want.. Everything I am feeling and there is no one there right in my face to judge me or interrupt me.. I am free.. Thank you Elisha for your forgiveness.. I hope someday I can walk in your shoes..

I AM BEAUTIFUL.. Thank you everyone who showed me that today!!